I'm gonna wreck it

Hi guys, my name is Brenna and I am a bad guy.

Or at least I was.

Ever seen Wreck it Ralph?  I do...a lot....(thanks Lucy)

Well I feel a lot like Ralph.  I've always been the bad guy.  I have in the past and still struggle today with anger and temper issues.  I am an extremely hot-headed person.  And you know, a lot like Ralph, I used that anger in the past to wreck things.  Mostly relationships.

In fact, most people that read this blog have been in some way directly hurt or insulted by me.  And if you haven't, then you haven't known me long enough.  Just that simple.  I try and battle daily with the sin of anger and I lose more than I wish.  I am direct, say whats on my mind, and have a very black and white sense of things.  You do something bad, and I'm gonna wreck it.

I have said more sorry's than I can ever count and made more people sorry for accepting my sorry than I care to admit in the past.

Then I met Juan.  And I found a reason to try to change.  Its amazing what marrying a good man will do for a person.  Its like a spellcheck for the soul.  I met a lot of good people.  More than that, I found my way to God.  And I still hurt people.  But I am working on it.

I have tried to make amends for what I have done in the past.  Some relationships are there, a mere shadow of what they were.  Some were lost forever.  And that is my fault and I have to suffer daily with the loss of those people who are better off without me in their lives.  They are ghosts who will haunt me until my dying day.

So here is my score card.  I have three really great close friends that have been there for me even though I am who I am.  I have my fix it felix husband.  I have two beautiful daughters who hopefully have their daddy's disposition.  I have my parents who have always supported me, guided me, and loved me for all my flaws.  I have a handful of other friends who probably keep some distance from me because thats where they feel safe with me.  And thats it. Its probably more than I deserve.

I am starting to realize however, that maybe I am not as bad as I always thought I was.  My family has overcame a lot.  And in the face of it, I have found the person that I want to and work on being.  I want to be the person that focuses not on the past but on the future.  Whatever that future may bring.  I want to focus on God and his word and principles and spread that light and love to all I speak to.  I want to seek and always seek to better myself.  And for the most part, I believe that I have been doing that.  I am flawed.  I am human.  I will slip.  But even for a bad guy, I think I deserve love and respect.

So here it is.  My final apology to those who won't let go of the past and allow me to move forward to the person I have been trying very hard to become.

I am sorry.  I am sorry I hurt you in the past.  I am truly to the depths of my soul sorry for hurting you the way I did.  I am sure that my mistakes will haunt me for far longer than the words I said will stay in your memory.  I really and truly hope your life is better without me in it and that you have a beautiful happy future ahead of you.  If you have things that you wish to say to me,  please go ahead and lay all the hurtful mean things down in front of me.  I can take it and more than that I deserve it for what I have done.  I welcome what ever you have to say to me and will not put up any fight or defense.

But please, after that, let it go.  If you want to know the person I have become, then I am here.  If you still talk to me, please don't read into me asking a question or saying something as an attack because most of the time now, it isn't.  I am truly trying and have been trying for a very long time now to make amends for what I have done in the past.  I am not asking you to stay a part of my life, but please stop berating me for mistakes of my past.  To my family, you can be there or not.  But stop treating me like a criminal.  I have grown and overcome more than some of you care to find out.  If you would like, we can talk honestly and openly about it, but first you have to be willing to talk to me to sort it out.

I love everyone in my life.  I love and appreciate those who have supported and loved me through this time in my life.  And I love love love those who have been willing to stick it out and help me become the person I am growing into.  You guys are the best.

Ob la da

It has been almost 3 months since I posted anything...

This is just a normal day for these two stinkers

I am really really bad....
or busy....

We will go with busy.
The truth is that I have started, restarted, rethought, reworked and then deleted a new post several times.

Its been a never ending onslaught of doctors visits some weeks, peppered with two hospital visits, and a couple of late nights up as worried parents watching our sweet one.

Biggest difference in Prudence is how overwhelmingly big she is.  13lbs 2 oz.  I know, I know she is 7 months old and when we are out with her it is like a sharp jab with a big knife to hear "Oh look at the little tiny baby"  but I know that Prudence is like 10 times bigger than when she was born and has some fat rolls so tight we fight to wash her properly in the bath.

Umbilical Hernia- Gone!

Raising Prudence is so different than Lucy.  For instance, a few weeks ago we took our first official outing as a family other than a doctors visit. Even since then, we are still pretty cautious and I chicken out a lot ( for example, church on Easter was cancelled for us at 5am Easter morning when Prudence coughed just a bit and got me worried.)  And the doctors visits...since we are on that.

Officially, we are entering into a phase where Prudence is making huge progress and showing her limitations all at once.  Its interesting because, one of our visits, The Child Development Agency views Prudence as a 7 month old baby.  Those visits are really upbeat and fun because they happen here at home and so far we have been focusing on the great progress she has made.  Then at Amos Cottage she is a 3 month old and even then she is concerning them in a couple of areas.  Nothing huge yet, but we are getting Physical therapy involved for
stiffness in her legs and plastic surgery to evaluate her head shape.

Its hard guys.  I know and have known for over 7 months now that I cannot compare Prudence to other babies.  Its a miracle that she overcame all she did and is as healthy as she is now.  But that doesn't change the shattered feeling I get every time someone gushes about their 2 month old turning over or their 7 month old crawling up a storm.  I try to be happy for others kids progress, I try to tell myself that Prudence is doing great.
God knows I try to not let it get to me.  But every now and then I have to cry it out and fret over things.  I guess its a mom thing.  I don't have many people to talk to and Juan just doesn't get it.  No mother ever wants her kids to have to struggle through anything, and I worry most that Prudence will always have an uphill battle to be a normal kid.

Prudence meeting her Great Grandma!  

We are working on eating a little.  We are working on getting strong enough to roll over.  She has trouble sitting up even in her little chair because of her stiffness and I think she tires out from trying really quickly.


But she is so happy.  She is the sweetest, calmest baby ever.  My dad likes to say she is even polite when she cries.  At the end of the longest most worrisome day, I am most glad and thankful that she is happy.



As for the rest of the Perez clan, well, Lucy is as active as ever and would spend every waking second playing outside if she could.  She is happiest walking around, talking to the birds, enjoying nature, and getting as grubby as possibly.  She is like the grubby little Snow White.  I love her.

First time to the Park!

Big sister had a blast too!

Juan and I joined a small group with church which is great when we actually get to attend.  It is sometimes infrequent just because thats life.  But it has been a huge help in getting Juan and I to look outside of our parenting duties and more into being a couple, Christians, individuals....basically all the other stuff before our girls became our only focus.

So, there is the basic summary of the past few months.  Hopefully I can get better about this whole posting thing.....

First family outing!  Eating at Chic-fila (aka COWS which
is what Lucy calls it)