I'm gonna wreck it

Hi guys, my name is Brenna and I am a bad guy.

Or at least I was.

Ever seen Wreck it Ralph?  I do...a lot....(thanks Lucy)

Well I feel a lot like Ralph.  I've always been the bad guy.  I have in the past and still struggle today with anger and temper issues.  I am an extremely hot-headed person.  And you know, a lot like Ralph, I used that anger in the past to wreck things.  Mostly relationships.

In fact, most people that read this blog have been in some way directly hurt or insulted by me.  And if you haven't, then you haven't known me long enough.  Just that simple.  I try and battle daily with the sin of anger and I lose more than I wish.  I am direct, say whats on my mind, and have a very black and white sense of things.  You do something bad, and I'm gonna wreck it.

I have said more sorry's than I can ever count and made more people sorry for accepting my sorry than I care to admit in the past.

Then I met Juan.  And I found a reason to try to change.  Its amazing what marrying a good man will do for a person.  Its like a spellcheck for the soul.  I met a lot of good people.  More than that, I found my way to God.  And I still hurt people.  But I am working on it.

I have tried to make amends for what I have done in the past.  Some relationships are there, a mere shadow of what they were.  Some were lost forever.  And that is my fault and I have to suffer daily with the loss of those people who are better off without me in their lives.  They are ghosts who will haunt me until my dying day.

So here is my score card.  I have three really great close friends that have been there for me even though I am who I am.  I have my fix it felix husband.  I have two beautiful daughters who hopefully have their daddy's disposition.  I have my parents who have always supported me, guided me, and loved me for all my flaws.  I have a handful of other friends who probably keep some distance from me because thats where they feel safe with me.  And thats it. Its probably more than I deserve.

I am starting to realize however, that maybe I am not as bad as I always thought I was.  My family has overcame a lot.  And in the face of it, I have found the person that I want to and work on being.  I want to be the person that focuses not on the past but on the future.  Whatever that future may bring.  I want to focus on God and his word and principles and spread that light and love to all I speak to.  I want to seek and always seek to better myself.  And for the most part, I believe that I have been doing that.  I am flawed.  I am human.  I will slip.  But even for a bad guy, I think I deserve love and respect.

So here it is.  My final apology to those who won't let go of the past and allow me to move forward to the person I have been trying very hard to become.

I am sorry.  I am sorry I hurt you in the past.  I am truly to the depths of my soul sorry for hurting you the way I did.  I am sure that my mistakes will haunt me for far longer than the words I said will stay in your memory.  I really and truly hope your life is better without me in it and that you have a beautiful happy future ahead of you.  If you have things that you wish to say to me,  please go ahead and lay all the hurtful mean things down in front of me.  I can take it and more than that I deserve it for what I have done.  I welcome what ever you have to say to me and will not put up any fight or defense.

But please, after that, let it go.  If you want to know the person I have become, then I am here.  If you still talk to me, please don't read into me asking a question or saying something as an attack because most of the time now, it isn't.  I am truly trying and have been trying for a very long time now to make amends for what I have done in the past.  I am not asking you to stay a part of my life, but please stop berating me for mistakes of my past.  To my family, you can be there or not.  But stop treating me like a criminal.  I have grown and overcome more than some of you care to find out.  If you would like, we can talk honestly and openly about it, but first you have to be willing to talk to me to sort it out.

I love everyone in my life.  I love and appreciate those who have supported and loved me through this time in my life.  And I love love love those who have been willing to stick it out and help me become the person I am growing into.  You guys are the best.