Inciting and inviting me......

Day 9 and Day 10

Weight- 630 grams...

Head circumference- 21 cm

Feeds- tolerating the increase from 2.4 ml to 3.6 ml's really well!

Oxygen- Back on the ventilator again for a rest.....

I remember reading a blog a while back.  In it the mother referred to herself as having to be a "dragon mom" to advocate for her son.  Its only now that we are realizing what it means to have to be dragon parents.  We were told Prudence was doing fairly well all weekend.  We were under the impression that we were still doing ok.  Not great but ok.  So Sunday we had the opportunity after a weekend full of not seeing Juan at all hardly to go to the NICU together.  As we walked in, the wonderful, honest night shift nurse told us exactly what was going on.  Prudence had been having more episodes.  And more severe episodes.  Not long after to show us how severe, she had an episode where her oxygen saturation dropped to 10%.  10%!!!!!!!!!  

Nothing makes you feel more helpless when you realize that not only had you believed in the lie, but that your baby has been suffering all weekend with no one advocating for her.  Within minutes the person in charge of her care was at her bedside and answered all of our questions, specifically how long they were going to let my poor baby get stressed out and use the rest of her already nonexistant reserves.  And within hours she was intubated when she continued to take more and more to recover.  

The morning x-ray showed the true picture of her lung status.  The bases of her lungs had clamped almost completely down.  She was moving less and less air and her CO2 was climbing.  She should have had a break before it got to this point.  But they were focused on keeping her extubated.  They were watching numbers and not my looking at this precious little girl.  

Other than that huge ordeal, she has been fairly stable.  We are having issues with adjusting our expectations some.  We have a lot to adjust.  There is a new tiredness I have never known before.  I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  And even though I feel as though I need to sleep for about 27 hours, the Lord gives me strength every morning to get up and to try to figure out how to be a mother to my two girls, a wife to my husband, and to cope with my own healing process that I tend to ignore.  Dragon momma I guess.  

 Bright eyed this morning and already feeling a bit better

This afternoon we were blessed with being able to take Lucy for Dewey's Date Monday.  Dewey's bakery gives away free cake squares on Monday's and we love taking Lucy for a sweet treat.  We enjoyed our time with our big girl.  It was delightful to get time with her today.  I love being a mother to my two girls.  I am intoxicated by smiles, noises, and even the smell of them.  I actually have a hospital blanket that was wrapped around Prudence that I sleep with for the past few nights.  I find it comforting, like she is close to me.  

Tonight instead of asking for prayers, I would like to say a prayer for everyone who reads.

I pray that you not take it for granted.  I pray that you hold all you love extra tight to your hearts.  I pray that God is in your life and in your hearts.  I pray that you lean on him when times get hard.  God gives us more than we can handle all the time.  Its so we learn obedience and to rely totally on him to provide.  And he will.  

Bless you and your families.

Goodnight from micropreemie world!

You know I believe and how

Day 8

Weight- 580 grams (we are always reassured that weight can have some pretty big fluctuations)
Oxygen- the same although she didn't tolerate the weaning efforts today
Feeds- holding steady with 2.4 ml
Disposition- happy

Another peaceful day! Not a huge report on this sweet girl today.  She has been tolerating her feeds well and they are going to hold steady there for at least another day or so.  They are working on weaning her oxygen back and up until today we were doing good at that.  I was reassured though that once they hit a certain point, they have to do a much slower weaning process.  Her blood sugar is also coming back down on its own without any intervention.  Her body is starting to figure out how to work in this world....

We did get a report on the cranial ultrasound.  They did find a small bleed.  A grade 1.  I was told its in a location and its so small that it really is of no concern.  The blood is usually reabsorbed by the body and unless she becomes symptomatic of something going on, that it is highly unlikely she will develop hydrocephalus (extra fluid building up around the brain).

Also really good news is they have had to start freezing my breast milk.  I am making way more than enough to take care of her, but my pump has also become my constant companion.  My other child in a way.  My entire life revolves around the timing of the pump.

On the Lucy front, I spent my first few hours alone with her tonight since the surgery.  She was an angel and kept giving mommy sweet kisses and lots of love.  She also insisted on taking pictures of her "Halloween" kitty we got yesterday from Build-a-Bear.

I am so very blessed to be a momma to these amazing little girls.  I cannot wait for the day when I can have my whole family together.  Everyday we pray for that.  

Until then.....

Good night from micropreemie world!

Happy one week old dear Prudence.....

Day 7

Weight- 700 grams
Tube feeds- increased today to 2.4ml every 3 hours....
Oxygen- the same...thank the Lord
Disposition- Smiley

Happy one week birthday my sweet baby girl....

We don't have many pictures of her without anything on her face...but so far this is my favorite.  We were allowed a few minutes of time without the C-Pap to let her nose unsquish.  So here is my dear sweet Prudence.....its ok to say she looks like a little old man.  The NICU mommies say most babies like Prudence will have two appearances.  First they will start off like little old men.  Oddly enough, the big head you usually see so characteristic of babies looks a lot more proportional when they are micropreemie.  It takes a minute to get used to a micropreemie.  The next appearance if all goes well is at 34 weeks gestation when they suddenly plump out- usually as they start either taking an actual breast or bottle for nutrition. Until then, I think this is the cutest little old man ever.

So today was peaceful again on the Prudence front.  They discontinued her antibiotics since her cultures were still negative!  Yay!  And they are slowly weaning down her biphasic C-PAP to see if she can tolerate the lower rates.  So far we are doing really well.  She also had her cranial ultrasound today.  It wasn't done until much later in the day, so we will have to wait for rounds tomorrow for results.  We are praying that all will look good.

Lucy and I took a date day.  Most of the date consisted of my mother and sister doing all the heavy lifting and watching Lucy, but I love our time together.  We went and picked out a Build-A-Bear.  She got a black kitty with a dazzly witch costume.  We named her Halloween and let me tell you my little girl was so proud of her kitty she insisted on carrying her box (which is about as big as Lucy) all the way out to the car all by herself.  It was fun.  A little slice of normal in this crazy hectic time.

This is what happens when Lucy and Daddy get a hold of mommy's phone before dinner.....

It has been a tough day for me as a mom.  The whole situation is so unfair to both my children.  Lucy doesn't understand why most of the time she only gets half of her parents....why she is always having to be left behind.  No clue as to why mommy hasn't been able to hold her in over a week now.  And poor Prudence.  I feel like I abandon my baby several times a day because of being forced to rest.  Having to choose to go home and sleep and eat.  Can't I clone myself so I can be mommy to both of these amazing children???  Please???? Or at least perhaps I need to get a life size cardboard cut out to put up when I leave.  It might be just as useful as I have been lately.

I just love my babies.  In ways and amounts that I never thought humanly possible.  

Please keep praying for my sweet babies.  Pray that we will get good news and continue with peaceful days with Prudence.  Pray for Lucy to have peace and understanding.  

Peace, love and joy from micropreemie world.....

And when I touch you I feel happy inside....

Day 6
Weight- 630 grams
Belly Circumference- 19.5cm
Oxygen- Same, except I have what daddy calls my fighter pilot mask because my nose was getting squished
Feeds- Back on for now at a very low and slow rate!
Disposition- Back in fighting shape

Today was much better.

Much much better.  

After a night of bad dreams, many tears and fears, Juan and I went early to see how our baby girl was doing.  And to our surprise, she was almost a new baby...Her episodes have cut way back for now and she is waking herself up more and more instead of relying on the nurses.  A huge relief.  So for now the biphasic C-PAP is holding steady and keeping my girl's lungs moving along.  The doctors felt that she could probably restart her tube feedings and after a few she was still doing well.  We are going pretty low and slow with those.  She also had a substantial poopie.  And in micropreemie world, poop is a HUGE deal.  

We finally got her PICC line in.  For those that don't know, a PICC line is a big IV that goes into your arm or leg and then travels up veins and stops ideally pretty close to the heart.  These are great because they feed into the larger veins that are stronger in babies Prudence's size.  Prudence's line didn't make it in as close to the heart as they hoped so it is more of a deep IV than a true PICC line, but they feel that it will definitely hold better than the little peripheral IV's that she has and save her vasculature a little bit.

She opened up those big eyes several times today and we actually got to see her without her little mask on her face for a few minutes while they changed out her mask, but I won't post the pictures here because her face looked kinda squished and funny.  But we did get to see her head full of dark dark hair again and delight in her little features you can't see with all the straps and what not.  

The best part of the day was when the nurse asked me when I wanted to hold her.  WHAT!?!?!?!?  We went from no you can't because she is unstable to 12 hours later leaving it up to me.  I was elated.  I sat with her for over an hour this afternoon.  It was delightful holding her, breathing in her smell, feeling her little body move against mine.  Hearing every soft grunt and sigh and hiccup.  Cataloging each delicious moment until it was time for her to go back to her womb with a view.  

Then we took an evening and came home to spend time with Lucy.  Much needed time with my beautiful big girl.  We watched Lilo and Stitch, and painted, and laughed and giggled and had a wonderful afternoon together.  I got the first glimpse of Prudence's newborn pictures and it sent me over the moon and made me cry.  We got a wonderful home cooked meal compliments of my mom, who has been our biggest supporter, advocate, cleaner, cooker, shoulder to cry on and cheerleader for Prudence in all this.  I love you mom.  It was a peaceful, happy day.  

Tomorrow is the one week mark.  That means the big daunting cranial ultrasound.  We have been told that this test is a big deal in how the coming weeks are going to look.  It will check to see if Prudence has any bleeding in her brain.  If she does it will be monitored closely in case they need to place a shunt  to drain the excess fluid.  Which would mean surgery.  Yucky surgery.

Today Juan and I were discussing Psalm 139.  Many people are probably very familiar with it.  "For I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  God knows Prudence.  Inside and out.  In ways that I can't dream.  He knew that she was ready to come into this world and take it head on.  And he is walking beside her through micropreemie world, as I know he is with all the other babies.  It is so hard sometimes to not ask why.  Why was she born so early?  Why couldn't they stop the labor?  Why me?  Such selfish questions.  Instead, we try to remind ourselves daily that this isn't a burden to bear.  It is an honor to walk down this road.  Prudence is so strong and so awe inspiring that it is an honor to be her mother, early or not.  So far this has united Juan and I in a way I never thought possible.  It has taught us to cherish the small things instead of getting caught up with the drag of day to day.  And it has taught us that we don't understand very much in this world.  You just have to trust and walk forward in faith instead of hiding behind impossible questions.

Please pray that all go well with the cranial ultrasound tomorrow and that Prudence continues to stay strong and grow.  Pray that Lucy and I have a good morning together on our "date" day.  Pray for Juan as he restarts his school work in effort to finish his degree.  Pray that the peaceful days continue.

Good night from micropreemie world!

Won't you open up your eyes......

Day 5

Weight- 800 grams
Feeds- No longer tolerating for now....guess I will have to get IV nutrition for now...
Oxygen- Biphasic C-PAP  (more supportive than my bubble C-PAP)
Disposition- Peaceful
Milestone- Opened up my eyes for the first time today......

Oh boy.  Today has been....rough.

Ok, really rough.  At least for the micropreemie mom.

I spent a good 6 hours at the hospital with Prudence today.  It was lovely and peaceful.  When I first got  there I spent some time with her, changed her diaper when the nurse was ready, and rejoiced in the pretty boring night that was reported to me.  I snuggled in beside her and sat with her basking in her radiant glow.  This kid has a super great tan right now let me tell you.

The first hit came when during rounds they decided that they needed to start working up Prudence's episode a little more vigorously.  This included drawing blood cultures and starting antibiotics.  And they pulled out the big guns of gentamycin, vancomycin and ampicillin.  And they knew they couldn't hide the fact that those were the big guns but they reassured me that she is a low risk for infection baby.  That these are overly cautious measures to make sure we aren't missing something with her apnea episodes.

We also got the joyous news that we were finally going to discontinue the UAC (umbilical artery catheter) because she didn't need it really.  Great news for us since that was the one line I was told standing between me and holding my baby.  They also said that she doesn't need the tanning lights for now and not long after they took off her sunglasses, I got my huge present of the day.

I can say that I am the first person my sweet Prudence ever looked at with those gorgeous eyes.  I don't think I will ever be able to forget her studying me carefully and looking pretty at ease with everything.

The second hit came when I came back from pumping to find that she had not tolerated her previous feed at all.  To be on the safe side and let her belly rest, we stopped feeds for now again.  We were told this would happen.  But for some reason, it really hurt being told this.  But ok.  Thats manageable.  It was time for me to leave and go home to rest (everyone keeps telling me I just had major surgery and need to rest to which I reply that I rest just fine next to Prudence.)  I still hadn't held her but I had every intention of going back later tonight to hold her.

So this sweet face was my date for the afternoon.  We cuddled, we napped, we fussed and I even got bit.  Lucy is not a happy camper this week but she has every right to be upset.  It just makes it hard that I can't do much to make either of my babies happy right now.  Lucy is the only one who can make me feel better sometimes.  If you've met her, then you understand how much light and joy she can bring.

Juan spent the afternoon at the hospital where they decided to switch Prudence's oxygen from the bubble C-PAP to a biphasic C-PAP.  The big difference is that the new one forces a bit of air into Prudence if it stops sensing her breathing and can usually help little babies remember "oh yeah I am supposed to be doing something".  A small step backwards but a great thing if it can keep us off the ventilator.  And at first it was heaven sent.  No episodes that she didn't wake up from on her own.

I went back this evening with Aunt Catie to visit.  Well, there were several episodes in a short amount of time that she needed to be woken up from.  And they had to go up on her oxygen requirement (that one was not something I was anticipating at all because that hasn't been an issue).  The nurses had the slightly discouraged tone that made me uncomfortable.  The ventilator I was told she wouldn't get back just this morning is now a real close possibility.  

And then the blow that knocked it home was when I was told that no, I cannot hold her  because of these events she is having.  So now this is day number 3 since I have been able to hold my baby.  Devastation.  Pain.  Basically a mothers nightmare balled into one day.  There is nothing.  NOTHING. Nothing I can do for my baby except watch the NICU mommies and pray and wait for her to get stronger again.

This whole roller coaster thing is no joke.  Neither is micropreemie world.  Its pretty intense.  And this tiny little creature of mine is having to navigate this scary intense world.  People try to relate.  People say the whole "I can't imagine".  Thats wonderful that you can't. I seriously and sincerely hope you never have to.  I never thought I would.  All this new terminology I am learning from micropreemie ( a baby less than 27 weeks gestation and birth weight less than 1kg), late term preemie (those born between roughly 34-36 weeks gestation, usually with few complications if its not multiples) and all sorts of in between.  Its exhausting.  The new routines.  The splitting my time between my babies, usually without getting to see my husband for long.  The list of things I hope you never have to experience go on.  And for right now, there is no end in sight.  It is months.  Hours upon hours spent praying, hoping, pleading....

Sorry.  

Its hard not to be angry.  My baby is supposed to be 26 weeks today.  Its hard to remain hopeful on days like today.  Its hard because we are being let down by some people in our lives right now out of their selfish desire to make this somehow about them.  

But there were so many beautiful things about today.....let me share

Biphasic C-PAP is much smaller than bubble.  And you can see her adorable little face now.

This was our view when we arrived at the hospital....A beautiful perfect rainbow.

A display of God's beauty.

This tiny blood pressure cuff that literally swallows Prudences arm whole.  

I keep trying to find points of reference to point out the tinyness of the situation.  

Even this thing took me by surprise.

Pray for our hope and faith to be reinvigorated tomorrow.  Pray for our hearts to find peace after all the assaults today brought.  Pray for Lucy that she receives peace and understanding.  And as always Pray for Prudence to have the strength and stamina to make it over this hurdle and on to the next sprint that lay ahead of us.

One thing I can tell you....

Day 4
Weight- 680 grams ( ~1lb 8 oz---back up from birth weight!)
Belly Circumference- Still 19 cm (praise the lord)
IV's- Two 24's in my hands- waiting on my PICC line
Oxygen- Bubble C-Pap for now
Disposition- A little too chillaxed.......

The beginning of the roller-coaster ride.  We were told on day one that NICU babies, especially the micro-preemies are a crazy sort.  A literal up and down from day to day and that we should expect almost anything at any time.  Being as Juan and I are both nurses, I thought we had a good grasp.  And for the first few days, we definitely rode the roller coaster up the hill (I think our roller coaster is one of those old wooden ones because it was a bumpy ride up).  I think we are starting that head over heel feeling of going down.....and I think like most rides, its hard to be prepared once you actually get to the top of the ride......

Prudence has been having more episodes of A's and B's.  With each episode it takes longer for her to recover and wake up remembering to breathe.  So a lot of the talk today revolved around the fact that she might soon have to go back on the ventilator if she keeps acting up.  A little more than heart breaking, but also something we have been told to expect from the day they pulled her breathing tube.  However, all day long the good lord has been watching over her.  Her chest x-ray today looked "pretty good" according to her nurses and her blood work has been decent or getting better.  She was on a lab holiday today and we won't recheck most of the stuff until tomorrow.  She also received a blood transfusion today to see if her drop in her hemoglobin wasn't causing her A's and B's.  While it seemed to make her wake up from the episodes easier, she is still taking a fair amount of recovery.  The last we heard tonight was that if she continued to have episodes, she was going to get a caffeine bolus to stimulate her nervous system and an increased daily dose of caffeine.  

Oh and by the way, Prudence has prescriptions for several vices- caffeine, UV rays.....Most Americans follow NICU order sets in daily life apparently.........

And our new, and probably inappropriate joke, is that we always leave Prudence with the saying "Give em hell kid"......of course she probably will (what can I say, she is her mothers daughter....)

But all in all, its become a very back and forth up and down side swinging kind of day.  

Outside of Prudence's health problems, we have had several blessings in the past few days that I feel are gigantic.  One was when we learned that micropreemies (or babies under 1 kilogram birth weight) qualify for medicaid.  This means that whatever our insurance does not pay for Pru's ENTIRE NICU stay (surgery, treatments, medicines, EVERYTHING) will be covered by medicaid.  And we are talking bills that can get into the millions.  THANK YOU JESUS!!!  It is horrible to think for a second about the huge bills we are incurring in a time when your baby is needing so much, and now God has provided for us and proven yet again that we need not worry for our Father is watching out for us.  

Next, and possible to much information, is that I have been fortunate enough to have no problem what so ever with pumping breast milk for Prudence.  This is a huge deal since at the hospital they won't give micropreemies formula because it is way to harsh on their digestive system.  So its either mothers milk or donor breast milk.  And lets face it, mothers milk just seems a little less weird if you ask me.  

We have seen an outpouring of generosity.  And I mean overwhelming extraordinary things that mean the world to us.  God has blessed us with so many wonderful people in our life.  My parents and family for devoting so much time and effort not only to make sure Lucy is taken care of, but that Juan and I are as well.  My house has been cleaned, we have meals being cooked and most of all people who are there for our little family in whatever way they can be.  We have received well wishes, cards, gift cards, preemie onesies (which will fit Prudence hopefully in a few months), prayers, kind words, shoulders to lean on, and mounds of support from old friends, new friends, barely friends, and even strangers.  It is amazing.

Holding grandma's hand....

Good Night from Micro-preemie world!

You were only waiting for this moment to arrive....

Day 3

Weight- 640 grams
Sleeps- BEST ON THE BELLY!
Disposition- Unpredictable

So today was one of the hardest yet.... Today I got discharged from the hospital.  On the same day that Prudence started having a's and b's.  So A's and B's in micropreemie world are when baby forgets to breathe on her own, or has apnea.  (The A)  Then as a result of that, their heart rate drops off significantly and rapidly (the B for bradycardia).  Its not an abnormal thing with babies Prudence's size but it is scary when you first see it.  Most of the time, Prudence is remembering to wake up and breathe on her own.  But about 6ish times today her nurse had to wake her up and stimulate her a bit before she remembered to breathe.

They think some of this is her starting to get tired from all the work she is having to do breathing off the ventilator.  Or it could be because her hemoglobin has dropped since her ability to make red blood cells hasn't fully kicked in yet.  So we are watching a few things closely on her and praying that God continues to keep her lungs healthy and working and that she remembers to relax and breathe instead of working so hard.

She is tolerating her tube feeds well for the most part and gets a little stronger each day.

So as for us, it was a hard day.  The hardest day.  In my life.  As a mother, there are a few things that are taken for granted and I know I took them for granted with Lucy.  Holding your baby, feeding them, changing diapers, and even just getting to look them in the eye.  But no experience was taken more for granted or more cherished to me now than the idea of taking my baby home with me.  Leaving her today was the first time I have cried that hard in a long long time.  I keep getting consoling remarks and people saying they understand and I appreciate it, but looking at months of  having to drive somewhere to look at my beautiful baby is torture.  A part of my heart will live in the NICU until she comes home.

But I was uplifted by the fact that I was allowed to mommy her today for the first time in 60 hours.  First of all last night when all was quiet and calm in the NICU, I was allowed to hold my precious little one for the first time.  She rested that little head on my chest and started to lightly nibble on her tiny fingers and she calmly slept.  And I felt a heavenly peace in those moments.  We belong together and I think she felt it as much as I did.  Words cannot describe the anxious moments waiting to hold your baby when you have a micropreemie.

Next, I actually was allowed to change her diaper.  Now the nurses just casually flip these babies around and it almost makes you think of a short order cook making pancakes sometimes.  But actually doing something a real mommy does to this tiny tiny tiny little hiney makes you finally feel like, well...a real mommy.

So set backs, triumphs, and as always, a touch of family drama.... but it has been an extremely exhausting day.  Please pray for Juan and I as we transition to home and our new normal.  Pray for her NICU momma's (or the worlds best baby sitters) who are watching over her so intently while I am forced to go on living.  Mostly, Pray for strength for Prudence.  That is the greatest gift anyone can give her over these next few months in micro preemie world.

                                                                 Back together the way it
                                                                     was meant to be!

In my life I love you more

Day 2

Weight- Still 670 grams (in pounds roughly still 1lb 7 oz)
Height- Still 12.4 inches
Belly Circumference- 19 cm (this is actually a really big deal in micro preemie world)
Disposition- Chillaxin......

So today has been a pretty amazing day.  For one, Juan and I actually got a little more sleep.  Most people are probably thinking...gee you should be able to sleep considering that sweet thing is being taken care of mostly by her nurse momma's....but let me tell you pumping every three hours to provide breast milk, trips to see her and hosting family and friends....well in between all that there is not a lot of time for sleep.  But last night was better.

As for Prudence, they have been able to dial back on her oxygen today and she has tolerated it really well.  Depending on how things go over the next couple of days, we might be talking about even taking her off of c-pap and just having a nasal cannula so we can see more of that precious face and hair.  She got her tanning bed set up this morning and let me tell you this girl loves to lay in some UV rays.  She gets all stretched out and just soaks them up which is great.  They will be checking her bilirubin levels twice a day to see if the phototherapy is working or if they need to increase it.  Either way, she looks stinkin cute with her little sunglasses on.

AND.....she pooped.  Gross I know, but like Juan said, its the small victories.  But because she was able to poop, she also got started getting fed.  She gets one milliliter of breast milk every 6 hours.  Its a tiny tiny amount, but if she tolerates that well until tomorrow, then they might increase it.  Thats where the belly circumference comes in handy, it will tell us part of the story on how she is tolerating her food.

Last night, she got her newborn photo shoot with our good friend Sarah.  She was the perfect little model and gave us some precious pictures of her sweet little face, hands, and feet.  We can't wait to see the pictures.  I only have one picture that I took of myself in the mirror of my pregnant belly, so we are just going to have to make up for that in plenty of sweet newborn pictures.

Today has been relaxed and very peaceful.  Tomorrow will be a bit harder since I am getting discharged home.  I am praying for peace of mind, and for a smooth transition.  And I am going to try to get some kangaroo time tonight (thats the skin to skin holding that so far we have been cautious to try).  And there are no visiting hours so being the night owl I am by trade, I was told I can come sit with her at all hours of the night and just be with her.  Wonderful news.

Keep praying for our little blessing and our family as we transition from this to our new "normal" for the next few months while Prudence grows and matures in micro-preemie world.

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play

Day 1-
Weight- 670 grams
Height- 12.4 inches
Hair color- dark brown
Eye color- unknown since my sweet eyes are still fused
Disposition- Feisty.......

I am now the proud mother of a micro-preemie.

Yesterday, in a rather dramatic turn of events, my sweet daughter Prudence Clara decided that 25 weeks and 2 days was just long enough to be confined to one spot and decided to come out to play.  She was born at 10:23 in the morning after much effort by the doctors to stop my labor.  Within 15 minutes we went from discussing things to her being pulled from her cozy womb and introduced to this wonderful world.  She came out crying like a champ and just as feisty and fiery as I would expect a half Latina to be.

She was quickly intubated and looked over and then whisked away to her NICU momma's (those beautiful nurses that are caring for her deserve the title momma for what they do for those babies).  And then Juan and I had the waiting game until we were allowed to see her and hear more about our amazing girl.


The few things I do know, is that she is such a fighter.  Just over 24 hours old she has been extubated although we are not sure how long she will be able to keep up doing all that work on her own.  Its a kind of minute by minute basis with some of that.  Her hemoglobin is dropping off a bit which is not abnormal but might require a blood transfusion in the near future.  And soon she is going to get treated to her very own tanning bed to combat jaundice.  They have told us a ton of other things we are looking at in the near future but I am really not thinking outside of the promises of the next 24 hours and our next micro steps.  But I do know that Prudence is completely in charge of this show and that she is letting all of us know that in no uncertain terms.

And I do know that  at 10:23 on September 20th,  I truly learned to place all of this in the Lords hands and trust his plan in this.  And its not easy for me to let go of the wheel in much.  God has blessed me to be a mommy of two very different daughters.  Lucy was a full term baby who has been the text book baby from conception to 22 months old.  She has hit every milestone and then some and has a the smile that can probably melt glaciers.  I am almost in tears now just thinking of her smile and laughter and how much joy she brings to our lives.  And now we have Prudence who definitely decided to go her own way.... But in all of this, God chose me to be blessed with these amazing little girls and I am overwhelmingly honored and terribly frightened by this all.  I have been drawing all my strength from the prayers that are pouring in from friends and family and even strangers who have been hearing our story.  AND ITS JUST 36 hours into this!

Our 22 month old daughter Lucy had barely understood the concept that mommy was getting chubby (and would sweetly kiss my belly when we asked her where her sister was) and is now having her whole world of nothing but what Lucy wants turned into a crazy whirlwind.  We are so lucky that my sisters have stepped in and became surrogate mommies while mommy is recovering/trying to figure out what happened.  My parents have been our sanity, keeping our lives outside somewhat intact and going.  And my husband, my wonderful Juan and only, has been the calm rock in all this.  The place to rest my head and collect all of this beautiful adventure.

The last thing I want tonight is for everyone to either listen or at least think of these lyrics which fit my girl so well

"Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue, its beautiful
and so are you
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play...."


So tonight in my brief attempt to collect some thoughts I just wanted to have a place or diary to place my thoughts, fears, triumphs and failings through this.  Please read, share our story, and say a little prayer for all of us as we wade through the waters of micro-preemie world!