Weight- 640 grams
Sleeps- BEST ON THE BELLY!
Disposition- Unpredictable
So today was one of the hardest yet.... Today I got discharged from the hospital. On the same day that Prudence started having a's and b's. So A's and B's in micropreemie world are when baby forgets to breathe on her own, or has apnea. (The A) Then as a result of that, their heart rate drops off significantly and rapidly (the B for bradycardia). Its not an abnormal thing with babies Prudence's size but it is scary when you first see it. Most of the time, Prudence is remembering to wake up and breathe on her own. But about 6ish times today her nurse had to wake her up and stimulate her a bit before she remembered to breathe.
They think some of this is her starting to get tired from all the work she is having to do breathing off the ventilator. Or it could be because her hemoglobin has dropped since her ability to make red blood cells hasn't fully kicked in yet. So we are watching a few things closely on her and praying that God continues to keep her lungs healthy and working and that she remembers to relax and breathe instead of working so hard.
She is tolerating her tube feeds well for the most part and gets a little stronger each day.
So as for us, it was a hard day. The hardest day. In my life. As a mother, there are a few things that are taken for granted and I know I took them for granted with Lucy. Holding your baby, feeding them, changing diapers, and even just getting to look them in the eye. But no experience was taken more for granted or more cherished to me now than the idea of taking my baby home with me. Leaving her today was the first time I have cried that hard in a long long time. I keep getting consoling remarks and people saying they understand and I appreciate it, but looking at months of having to drive somewhere to look at my beautiful baby is torture. A part of my heart will live in the NICU until she comes home.
But I was uplifted by the fact that I was allowed to mommy her today for the first time in 60 hours. First of all last night when all was quiet and calm in the NICU, I was allowed to hold my precious little one for the first time. She rested that little head on my chest and started to lightly nibble on her tiny fingers and she calmly slept. And I felt a heavenly peace in those moments. We belong together and I think she felt it as much as I did. Words cannot describe the anxious moments waiting to hold your baby when you have a micropreemie.
Next, I actually was allowed to change her diaper. Now the nurses just casually flip these babies around and it almost makes you think of a short order cook making pancakes sometimes. But actually doing something a real mommy does to this tiny tiny tiny little hiney makes you finally feel like, well...a real mommy.
So set backs, triumphs, and as always, a touch of family drama.... but it has been an extremely exhausting day. Please pray for Juan and I as we transition to home and our new normal. Pray for her NICU momma's (or the worlds best baby sitters) who are watching over her so intently while I am forced to go on living. Mostly, Pray for strength for Prudence. That is the greatest gift anyone can give her over these next few months in micro preemie world.
was meant to be!
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