Disposition-Spunky and surprising!
I have been, well up and down for a past few days. Hence, very little time to collect my chaotic thoughts. But I think I can try and see how it goes this Saturday morning.
Thursday was a dream day with Prudence. Her weight was up somewhat, she had been extubated and was doing ok on bubble c-pap, and she tolerated her feeds and keeps having healthy sized bowel movements on her own. All was well. Except for those pesky episodes. She only had two. Not bad. I was an emotional wreck, but after talking through things again with the Nurse Practitioner, I was back on track and they prescribed kangaroo time for this momma's broken heart.
I held her for almost 2 blissful hours. We took a nap together. It was the best sleep I have had since she was born. Feeling her move every so slightly against my chest, its things like this that I took for granted when Lucy was born. Juan went back that night and kangaroo'd too. The first time she has been allowed out twice in one day.
Then Friday came. Happy 2 weeks on this Earth baby girl! Both Juan and I woke up feeling just a hair miserable. Maybe 2 hairs. Juan went back to work though and I tried to push through until about 11am when I realized that I was just not well enough to be able to go see Prudence. All I would do is put her at a huge risk. And she has so many things working against her right now.
Still hurt though. My poor baby laying in the hospital by herself all day on her birthday. It was up to the NICU mommies to make sure she knew how much she is loved.
The phone calls yesterday went kind of like this. The first was to tell me that she was switched back to the NIPPV C-pap. She had several episodes over night and was getting tired out. ALREADY!
They also decided to draw cultures again and restart antibiotics just to help her out a bit.
The second was just me getting updates from her nurse. She was doing well but still having episodes and still no results from the tests. Ohhhh-K.
Just a few hours later, her doctor called. I like him, he is pretty straight forward with us. Prudence had been reintubated. Her labs didn't look bad. She didn't need another blood transfusion. She has had a slight immune response, but he isn't so sure it is infection or just a stress thing. Chest x-ray looked the same it always has.
I feel helpless and angry and so very very weak on days like yesterday. I wanted to yell and scream and punch a wall. Couldn't even see my poor baby on another one of her bad days, Can't touch her or be her momma. I only have one photo of her at 2 weeks that my mom got for me when she went over.
Strong is not something that I would use to describe myself as a micropreemie mom. I am the exact opposite of strong. My weakness has never been more profound than in these past two weeks. I rely on something much more powerful than me to even get up out of bed. No joke. There are times I am paralyzed by my fear of the entire situation. I am being carried through this one step at a time. People tell us how strong we are and how great it is that we are so positive. And we are positive. But that has nothing to do with us. Or our dispositions. And we aren't strong.
I have said it before. The whole saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" is not true. Unless you have proof in the bible, God is notorious for giving us more than we can handle. Not because he is cruel. Actually its the exact opposite. His mercy comes through in these situations. We are being taught to walk in faith through these situations because it is way more than any one person can handle on their own, or even a family of people can handle.
Of course we still find time for some joy.
Prayers and love from micropreemie world.
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